Where Rooks County Shares A Good Laugh

St. Patrick’s Day is just over the horizon, so let’s have a little fun with my people, the Irish.

• A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course,” comes the reply.

The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”

“I'm from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds: “You don’t say; I’m from Ireland, too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin, too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes, and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ‘82.”

“This is unbelievable!” the first man says.

“I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘82, as well.”

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.

“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

• Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the missus was never too happy about it, either.

So, one night, she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, “Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya’ don’t give up your drinkin’ it’s to hell I’ll take ye’.”

Pat, startled, staggered back and demanded, “Who the ARE you?”

To that, the missus replied, “I’m the divil, ya’ damned old fool.”

To which Flaherty remarked, “Glad to meet you, sir. I’m married to yer sister.”

• His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.

“She spoke without interruption for about 40 years,” said the Irishman.

• Patrick and Michael were the best of friends. One day, they decided to go bicycling; but, when they got to the rental shop, all that was left was a tandem bike.

They decided to take it anyway, and Patrick got on in front. They rode for a while down the scenic country roads until they came to a steep hill.

They stopped and looked up. “Begorrah, that’s the tallest hill in all Ireland!,” gasped Patrick.

“It is; so it is,” replied Michael. “We’ll have our work cut out for us, sure.”

And, so, they started up the hill; each pedaling as hard as he could. Soon, the sweat was pouring off. and they were gasping for breath. “Faith, this is a steep hill” gasped Patrick.

“It is; so it is,” exclaimed Michael, and they pedaled even harder.

At last. they reached the top, and stopped to catch their breath. “Saints preserve us, that was the steepest, tallest, and hardest hill in all Ireland!” said Patrick.

“It was; so it was,” said Michael, “and, if I hadn’t kept the brakes on, we’d have rolled right back down!”

• Paddy and Murphy sat in the pub, and the barmaid mentioned they were both getting a bit of a belly. So, they agreed it was time for a bit of exercise. The barmaid said the best and most fun form of exercise is dancing.

They decided to make a list of different types of dancing and then try different ones over the next few weeks.

The following night, they both stagger into the bar, clothes torn to shreds and hanging off them, blood everywere.

Paddy turns to Murphy and says, “Right, we can knock the bloody lion dancing off the list:”

• Question and answer: – What do you call an Irishman who hangs from the ceiling?

Sean D’Olier. – What do you call an Irishman who bounces off walls?

Rick O’Shea. – What do you call a Dublin fella who likes breaking up fights?

Liam Malone. Last One And, finally: On holiday in Europe, Bert noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it.

As a young priest passed by, Bert asked who the telephone was for. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven; and if he’d like to call, it would be a thousand dollars.

Bert was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Europe, Bert kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, he asked about it, and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven, and he could call for a thousand dollars.

After Bert finished his tour in Ireland, he decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door, he noticed the golden telephone; but, underneath it, there was a sign stating: “DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN - 25 CENTS.”

“Father,” he said, “I have been all over Europe; and, in all the great cathedrals I visited, I’ve seen telephones exactly like this one, but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?”

The priest smiled and said, “Son, you’re in Ireland; it’s a local call!”