Nancy's Notes

This is a rerun from an old Sentinel, but even if you remember reading it, I think you’ll still get a kick out of it. Personally, I can handle the “Oil Change Instructions for Women,” except my Jiffy Lube is the Hahns!

Oil Change Instructions for Women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee in the lounge area.

3) Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent: Oil Change $20.00 + Coffee $1.00 = TOTAL $21.00

Oil Change Instructions for Men

1) Wait until Saturday. Drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. Write a check for $50.

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer. Write a check for 20 bucks, and drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Accidentally drop drain plug in pan of hot oil, splashing hot oil on you in the process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because “I gotta finish the oil change.” Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of hauling it away to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? Nope, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11 to buy another case of beer. Write another check. Another 20 bucks.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink another beer.