Funny

Mr. Fred, living it up on the Gulf Coast, sends these.

– I was mugged twice last year. The odds of getting mugged once are one in 50.

The odds of getting mugged twice are one in 2,500.

The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy who would calculate those odds? One in one.

– A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”

“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my reality issues—telling what’s real from what’s not.”

“Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?”

“I’m Batman.” – Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbor, George, of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon.

“George, everyone who sees it there will know what you’re doing,” she told him in front of their church group.

George ignored her and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house and left it there all night.

At The Barber Shop

These came in over the transom.

• A bald man sat down in the barber shop and said to the barber: “I went for a hair transplant, but I couldn’t stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I’ll pay you $5,000.”

So, the barber quickly shaved his own head.

• A guy went into a barber shop and said, “I want my hair cut so that it’s all different lengths round the front and back; there’s a strange spiky bit on top and bald patches here, here, and here.”

“I don’t think I can do that,” said the barber.

“Why not? You did last time I was here.”

Help

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and yells, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Teddy’s hiding in your closet, and he hasn’t got any clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his best friend, his children’s “Uncle Teddy”, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“What are you doing!” screams the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

Jokes

Mike, over on the Missouri River, is the inspiration for these.

– A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”

“Thirty-six.” – Three kids saw a dog riding on the front seat of a fire truck which was racing along the road with its siren going. Each wondered what the dog was doing there.

“I think he’s there to keep onlookers away from the fire,” said the first.

“I think he’s there to bring the firemen good luck,” said the second.

The third said, “He’s there to find the hydrant.”

– An old farmer’s dog went missing, and the farmer was inconsolable.

His wife said: “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”

The farmer thinks it’s a great idea and does just that. Two weeks later, the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asked.

“Here, boy,” he replied.

On Trial

Mrs. Anonymous didn’t break any laws sending this one along.

Mick was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a monkey wrench.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You b*stard!”

The judge continued, “You are also charged with beating your mother-inlaw to death with a monkey wrench.”

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You **ing bstard!!!”

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, “You! the judge yelled while pointing a finger. “I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?”

At the back of the court, the man stood up and responded, “For 15 years I lived next door to that bastard. Every time I asked to borrow a ****ing monkey wrench, he said he didn’t have one!” Quotes

My second-favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.—Erma Bombeck I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.—Rodney Dangerfield