Back to School

– Little Johnny comes home, and his father sighs, “Alright, boy, out with your report card.”

Johnny says, “I don’t have it.”

“What? Why not?” asks his father.

“I loaned it to my friend. He wanted to freak out his parents.”

– The teacher tests little Johnny: “Okay, Johnny, create a sentence that starts with ‘I’.”

Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is...”

Teacher snaps: “No, Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”

Johnny sighs, “Yes, ma’am. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

– The teacher tells Johnny, “You know very well you can’t sleep in my class.”

Johnny admits, “Yes, I know, but maybe, if you didn’t speak quite so loudly, I could.”

– Miss Taylor, an English teacher, writes an incorrect sentence on the board: “I didn’t had no fun for months.”

Then, she faces the class and says, “Okay, class, how should this be corrected?”

Johnny says, “I think you should get yourself a better boyfriend.”

Never want to hear these Things you don’t want to hear during surgery: – Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

– Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

– Wait a minute. If that is his spleen, then what is this?

– Hand me that... uh... that uh...thingie.

– Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

– There go the lights again.

– Everybody stand back. I lost my contact lens.

– Sterile, shemerle. The floor’s clean, right?

I don’t know

Mr. Anonymous was havingafewdeepthoughts this week.

• Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?

• Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?

• Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

• If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?

• Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

• How can someone “draw a blank”?

• Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?

• Why is the word “abbreviate” so long?

• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• What is another word for “thesaurus”?

That’s nasty

I’m starting to think Mr. Fred, living it up on the Gulf Coast, has a pretty rough life.

I was lying in bed the other night when the doorbell rang. Half asleep, I got out of bed, put on my robe, and opened the front door.

There, standing on the doorstep, was a six-foottall cockroach. Before I had time to shut the door, it leaped on me, punching and kicking with all six of its legs. All I could do was cover my head with my arms while it laid into me.

After several minutes, it got tired and scuttled away. I closed the door and staggered back to my bed.

A few hours later, the doorbell rang again. This time, I was half delirious.

Without thinking, I rushed to the door and opened it. The cockroach was back, and all I could do was yelp as it pounced on me and began pummeling me once again.

This time, it kept going for a full ten minutes, and I was so exhausted I couldn’t even make it back to my bed. I slept right there on the floor in the hallway.

The next day, I was in so much pain that I took myself straight to the E.R. My heart sank as I saw the size of the crowd in the waiting room, but I checked in and waited patiently.

It took hours, as people were taken back for examination, and others arrived to take their places.

Finally, I was ushered back to an exam room. Soon, a doctor pushed aside the curtain and entered. “Let me guess,” the doctor began, “you were awakened by the doorbell in the middle of the night, and a giant cockroach beat you up!”

“How do you know that?” I asked.

“There’s a nasty bug going round!” Funny

Mike, over on the Missouri River, is the inspiration for these.

– In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God.

“You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

– The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and, within minutes, found the lens.

“How did you do it?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”